I feel the sadness
Choking my body
And it sliding up
Through my nostrils,
Down my throat
And towards my belly button
Mixing with the water
That makes up most of me.
Fighting is all I know.
Resisting is my nature.
But Lord God!
I feel myself weakening
More and more
As I wait to be rescued
From something
No one sees
Is killing me.
Does anyone care
That I’m dying
Right in front of them?
After all the waiting,
I do the one thing
That I swore
I’d never do.
Surrender
To the overflow.
At first it hurts.
You know,
Like a
Motherfucking bitch.
The overflow tightens
Its hold on me,
Force feeding me
Depression,
Anxiety,
And rolling waves
Of PTSD.
I remember
Every time
I was gaslit
By someone
I poured
My heart out to.
I recall
The fear
The anger
The exhausting annoyance
That came from
Each time
A perverted asshole
Insistently
Sexually harassed me
With his words
His mouth
And his voice
Reeking of privilege
He knows he can abuse
Against me.
The skin of my face
Would burn
In memory
Of every time
Someone refused
To gender me correctly
And be a decent person
Because transphobia
Is synonymous
To free speech
And “being themselves”,
Because their refusal
To see and respect me
As anything
Other than a “female”
Not even a girl or woman
Honors some god-given truth
Protects feminism
The “natural family”.
But in reality,
It only protected
Bullshit,
Bigoted bitches, and
Cunts who can’t
Come correct.
I remembered,
I recalled,
The memories
Replayed
Until my heart stopped.
The overflow
Consumed me
Until there was nothing
Of the old me left.
Whatever I fought against
Was always a part of me.
It was just now joined
To my everything
Without any fight.
Now the real healing
Is about to commence.
Nightmares are Dreams 