Feeling

Sad

Feeling

Horrible

Bullshitting myself on the daily

Moment-to-moment screwing up everything

Because I don’t have anything left to give the world

Because I have nothing left to give myself

My self-loathing intensifies as I hear fellow humans start their day

Cars flood the the intersection next the three-way stop sign

Next to the tree

That marks the wooden house with a red door

Screeches and hip-hop music blend into my annoyance

Birds chirping have me wanting to scream at them

But I don’t utter a word

For I am that unable to care enough

That’s why I did not shower the night before

And I unfortunately itch in the worst areas possible

I become frustrated at life moving on without me

From the steps of roommates meeting creaky hardwoord floors

To long-wailing squeal the bathroom door makes before closing or opening

And when life is playing its usual hum as the day progresses

My self-loathing,

My insecurities intensify

They are deadweights that pull me farther down

And down into an ocean I never learned to swim in

Life is too scary, too unpredictable and potentially traumatizing

That while I lie down

The place I made my safe zone in my mind

Becomes my prison

And I only want out because I see others being free

Wishing they could be my key

But then I am reminded that I am my own key

That I must unlock myself from the deadweights

In order to float back up

And if not that, then at least stop myself

From sinking further into the oblivion of depression

While I lie down

I fight that fight

And struggle with all my might

Because what is easy will keep me stuck in my pain

Trapped inside an endless cycle of nothingness

A nothingness that increases the distress of my mind and body

Yet what I want

The wanting to join the rest of the world

And be that person I dream of being

An individual who lives their dreams

In balance with their demons and light

That amount of effort, that amount of dedication

Frightens me back into abandoning myself

On more mornings than I wish to admit

I got so good at abandoning myself

Giving up before a day started

Because the possible challenges awaiting me

Seemed more treachorous than it was worth

It is only when the day is gone

When the night is waning

And just before the birds begin singing for the new dawn

That I see how much I could have gained

If only I fought to take off the deadweights

I have grown so accustomed to carrying

In my sleep